Here it Comes

 Here comes winter! We have had many very frosty mornings here on Whidbey Island, and I am excited to think that snow is not far away. I've lived in snowy places for about 17 tears -- Ithaca, New York when I was in law school, and the Concord, New Hampshire area for about 14 years after that. And I never tired of it. Google tells me that my area of the island only gets a few inches a year but I remain hopeful. You can be sure that I will enjoy every snowflake that falls. 

Meanwhile, big things are coming. Yes, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, too, but I am talking something more exciting than that. My longarm quilting machine is being set up tomorrow! I had it disassembled about a year ago in preparation for selling my house and moving, and I have sorely missed it. 

If you promise not to tell anyone, I will show you the very messy state of my sewing room. (I have put away about half of that mess, and today's project is to deal with the rest.) But those long poles are the poles for my quilting frame, padded and wrapped in a creative combination of pool noodles, batting, and garbage bags. I really wanted to make sure they weren't dinged or dented in the move. I have unwrapped about half of that pile and will do the other in a bit. 

It has been a bit tricky estimating the space that the longarm will take. Before I bought my machine and frame, a Bernina dealer gave me a big plastic mat that rolls out and shows you exactly how much floor space is needed. It is inevitably  a bigger space than I think. So, having rolled out the mat a bunch of times, I'm sure that the frame will fit, sort of along that right-hand wall, but I may need to get rid of the loveseat and table down there under the window. I'll see how things go. The dogs sure do love hanging out on the love seat while I am sewing, so they can keep an eye on me and on goings-on in front of the house.

In my excitement about the longarm's arrival, I have been sewing a very easy quilt top that looks quite complex. Look, it's really all half-square triangles (the navy and white squares) and whole patterned squares. Super fast, actually. The pattern is called Skip to My Lou by Busy Hands Quilts. I got it all sewn together yesterday, so it may be the first "real" quilt that goes on the longarm after I do a bit of practice. 

I am also contemplating making a cover for the longarm machine. Up until now, I have simply draped a vintage table cloth over it.

Someone on the Bernina Longarm group posted one she'd made and I've been studying it. Looks doable, I think. I have a bag of miscellaneous orphan blocks and component parts so I'm thinking I will try to put them together and make something similar.

 These chilly nights have proven excellent for retreating to bed early with my book. I just finished "The Christie Affair" by Nina de Gramont, and it was just as excellent as Nancy Pearl said it would be. Nancy Pearl's interview with the author was an interesting complement to the novel. 

I'm going to go make breakfast now. My current breakfast delight is my version of "toad in the hole." Basically, you butter a slice of bread, cut a hole in it, put it in a hot pan, and then crack an egg into the hole. I flip it over at the last minute to make sure the egg white is fully cooked but I'm not sure if that is an official step or not. I can highly recommend this as a breakfast to enjoy while reading a novel set in England. 

 

Always More to Read

You might remember that a while ago I came upon a flyer announcing that Nancy Pearl was going to speaking in Langley. I got all of my work done and sent off, so I was free to trot off on Thursday morning to see her talk.

Nancy Pearl is a retired librarian from Seattle. She has become known for her love of reading and her talent and at recommending books to others. You can read all about her here on Wikipedia. I didn't know that she started the concept of having a whole city read the same book -- "Seattle Reads" -- which has been adopted by any cities around the country. I knew her from her interviews on Public Radio, and from a few books she has published with lists of book recommendations.

Beforehand, I got my official Sno-Isle library card, giving me access to the Snohomish and Island County libraries. Isn't that a great name? Sno-Isle sounds like a magical wintry island where you can snuggle in, drink hot chocolate and read all day. 

Nancy Pearl's talk was held at the local arts center, and the place was packed. It was wonderful to be in a big room full of avid readers. It looked to me like a lot of book club groups had come together. As a newcomer to Whidbey Island, it was heartening to look around and see people who love books and reading. Will one of them become a friend, some day? This talk was Nancy's 25th talk in Langley, and the woman next to me had been to every one. 

 

The talk was about some of the best books that Nancy has read over the last year. Conveniently, the program included the list of titles and authors Nancy would be discussing, and people (including me) took notes to remember the ones that sounded most appealing. It was a delightful talk, and Nancy seemed like someone you'd want to just sit and talk books with for hours. 

She talked some about paper books vs audio books vs e-readers. Nancy has no prejudices against any of the formats. There was a bit of discussion about how a book/ebook is a dialogue between book and reader, and an audiobook becomes a conversation between author, reader and narrator. It is certainly true that audio book narrators can make or break a listening experience. (I recall one I tried to listen to awhile back where the narrator kept pausing or changing her intonation as if the sentence had ended...but it had not. It was very disconcerting and I stopped listening because it was just too distracting.)

And speaking of stopping, Nancy Pearl has become known for her "Rule of 50" which she has now adapted. Her view is that life is to short, and there are too many great things to read, to waste time on something you are not enjoying. Hear, hear! So her rule is this: You should read 50 pages and if you are still not involved or enjoying it, stop. (Her exception was if you are reading for a book club, keep going...  because then you have made a commitment to the other club members.) She also added: you are reading a mystery, not enjoying it much but reading only because you want to know who did it, for pete's sake go look at the end, and then walk away. Her new amendments are: if you are over 51 years old, subtract your age from 100 and that is how many pages you should read. For example, if you are 65, subtract 65 from 100 and you need only read 35 pages. And, she added, if you are 100 then you can judge a book by its cover and read however much or however little you choose.

Isn't it funny how we need permission to stop reading a book? For the longest time, I felt like I had to read to the end if I started it, and felt horribly guilty if I stopped midway. Some years back I let go of that, but I appreciate having a librarian's permission to abandon ship at will. 

Some of Nancy Pearl's previous Langley talks are posted on Youtube, so you can listen, get a flavor for her, and get some past book recommendations.  She's done a Ted Talk, which you can watch here. And she has done a bunch of "Book Lust with Nancy Pearl" author interviews on Seattle Channel, which you can find on Youtube also.

You want to know what Nancy Pearl recommended, don't you? Here are a few of the ones I noted:

  What Just Happened: Notes on a Long Year by Charles Finch

        A non-fiction diary of one man's experience of 2020 and Covid lockdown. Nancy said she didn't want to relive 2020 but the book was wonderful. You can see her interview with the author here. 

Revenge of the Librarians by Tom Gauld

    A collection of cartoons about books, writing, editing, reading. You might recognize his style from his New Yorker contributions. I went straight to the bookstore afterwards and bought this. I need more cartoons in my life. And it's delightful. 

 The One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot by Marianne Cronin

    I had read this and really enjoyed it. It's the story of Lenni, a 17 year old terminal cancer patient, and Margo, an 83 year old woman, who are both hospitalized and meet in the craft room. They realize that their ages total 100 years, and they decide to paint images of their lives, one for each year, so when they are done they will have a collection of 100 paintings. I thought it was lovely, poignant, and not (surprisingly) not depressing.

 Thank You, Mr. Nixon by Gish Jen  

    I really want to read this. It is a series of linked short stories, about different generations from the same family. The publisher's blurb says: "Beginning with a cheery letter penned by a Chinese girl in heaven to “poor Mr. Nixon” in hell, Gish Jen embarks on a fictional journey through U.S.-China relations, capturing the excitement of a world on the brink of tectonic change."  This especially interests me. Caroline was born in and adopted from China, and our beloved guide when we were in China, Chen, was the (then very young) Chinese diplomat responsible for coordinating Nixon's travels through China. There is a Nancy Pearl interview with Gish Jen on Youtube.

The Christie Affair by Nina de Gramont 

    I have seen this book in a lot of places, and figured it was one of the many sort of derivative historical fiction pieces that seem popular right now. Nancy Pearl's comments about it made me want to read it, and I just got it from the library. If you're an Agatha Christie fan, you probably know that there is a real mystery about Christie's life about an 11 day period where she simply disappeared. To this day, no one really know what happened, and there is much speculation. Christie's husband was having a very public affair, and when Christie disappeared it was feared that she had killed herself. She was subsequently discovered, alive, checked into an inn under the name of the mistress. This is a take on that 11 days, told from the perspective of the mistress. Nancy recommended it highly, so I'm giving it a go. But before I start I'll watch Nancy's interview with the author, here.

 

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin 

    This was on my "to read" list so I am looking forward tot his even more. You might know Gabrielle Zevin from her delightful novel, The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry. Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow traces the lives of two friends from their meeting as young students, to their decision to create a computer game together, to what happens after that. According to the publisher, "two friends—often in love, but never lovers—come together as creative partners in the world of video game design, where success brings them fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and, ultimately, a kind of immortality." Nancy raved about this and said you do not have to know about or like computer games to really enjoy this book.  

Still Life by Sarah Winman  

    I'd not heard of this but it sounds intriguing. Based on Nancy's recommendation, I've added this to my To Read list. Here is the publisher's description:

"Tuscany, 1944: As Allied troops advance and bombs fall around deserted villages, a young English soldier, Ulysses Temper, finds himself in the wine cellar of a deserted villa. There, he has a chance encounter with Evelyn Skinner, a middle-aged art historian who has come to Italy to salvage paintings from the ruins and recall long-forgotten memories of her own youth. In each other, Ulysses and Evelyn find a kindred spirit amidst the rubble of war-torn Italy, and set off on a course of events that will shape Ulysses's life for the next four decades."

After the talk, I wandered over to Langley's charming independent bookstore, Moonraker Books. I bought the Tom Gauld book of cartoons there, wandered a bit  -- so many tempting books! 

 

I ended my outing at Crabby Coffee, where I sat next to the fireplace, sipped a latte, and perused Tom Gauld's bookish cartoons. 

It was a wonderful way to spend the morning. And now I will appreciate Whidbey's rainy and chilly weather even more, because it is the perfect weather for snuggling in and reading.
 

 

Another Island Adventure

 I knew that Whidbey Island is prone to power outages as a result of frequent stormy and windy weather in Winter. I knew that it's important to have a generator. So, this fall I started talking with electricians so I could get ready. This house has generator-ready wiring installed so a generator can be hooked up to automatically come on and power most of the house when the power goes out, but the previous owners had taken their generator with them and I was interviewing electricians and researching generators. It is a significant expense and process and I know nothing about it, really, so I needed advice.

Then, Friday night a huge windstorm blew through during the night. And I mean BLEW. There was a lot of crashing and banging as branches and debris from trees in the area got flung far and wide. There are two small decks on the back of my house that are covered with a sort of corrugated fiberglass, and boy, did it sound loud when bits of tree debris fell on that. 

And of course, the power went out. 

No surprise, really. But the amount of cedar tree debris all over my yard and driveway (and the street, and my neighbors' yards) really surprised me. Stuff was really blowing. Apparently a lot of roads around the island were totally blocked by downed trees.

That photo of the downed power lines up there is at the entrance to my little neighborhood. Yikes.

 Puget Sound Electric has an outage on map on their website, and after very slow cell service loading, I saw that power was out over most of the island. See that red splodge up there? That's Whidbey Island. I knew my friends in Seattle and Port Townsend had lost power for a few hours on Friday night, but it went back on quickly. 

No so on the island. So many trees! So many downed lines! 

I cleaned up debris in my yard and driveway, incredibly grateful that nothing had fallen on and damaged my car in the driveway. There was a big tree branch on the ground right next to my car. Phew. (Note to self: Time to get the unpacked boxes out of the garage so I can keep the car inside.) 

The outage would have not have been that problematic -- aside from the inconveniences of no electricity, no heat, no hot water -- but of course I had a major work deadline this week and had counted on working all weekend. Oh dear. 

 

It turns out that living this close to the Clinton-Mukilteo ferry is really convenient. After getting the critters settled, Caroline and I headed to Mukilteo with our electronics and charging cords to find a cozy place to spend a few hours. We landed at a Panera restaurant which was mobbed. Power was out in spots in Mukilteo, too, and people were looking for hot coffee and breakfast and electrical outlets. We had a very cozy time there, actually. I got work done, Caroline read and charged her electronics, and we savored the very hot and comforting soup. 

Back home that evening, things were dark and cold. I could see that some neighbors have the type of auto-on generators that I have been working on, as I heard their generators go on friday night and their houses were lit up with normal activity. But we made do with our candles (both real flame and battery-powered) and retreated to our respective beds to snuggle under our big piles of blankets. Good thing I have a lot of quilts around here! Caroline had her two cats to keep her warm, and I had Starlie and Rosie who were thrilled to be permitted onto the bed. It is a "special occasion only" sort of thing in my bedroom. 

We were reminded that our last long power outage had been a few years back, when major wildfires evacuated our whole town and we went to stay with a friend in Marin County. (Hi, Lainey!) Just after we got to her house, the power went out there and although there was no fire danger, the power stayed out for about four days. So intermittently retreating to the car to warm up and charge our phones was a familiar experience. 

I was dismayed to learn that the gas oven/cooktop unit in this house has a "safety feature" which prevents gas from flowing to the burners if the electricity is off. Really? So we could not use the gas stove or oven which was really, really irritating. On my list this week is to call around and see is that is a feature I can disable. On Saturday morning I made tea by heating water on the gas BBQ -- which, let me tell you, takes a bit of time. 

Sunday found me headed back to Mukilteo, where I camped out at a Starbucks for most of the day working. Boy, was the staff there was wonderful. They were totally happy to let me stay for the day, tucked into a corner with my laptop plugged in and hopping up for frequent coffee purchases. I didn't want to be too bad of a freeloader. The holiday cups cheered me up.

PSE was projecting that power would be restored around noon on Monday, so before heading home, I stopped by Target and got an inexpensive camping stove and some small propane canisters.

 

 Tea making was a lot easier. Just so you know, that was on my little covered deck. Propane stove use is not recommended indoors, although I was tempted.

Caroline had ramen for breakfast.

 

Then back to Mukilteo for me on Monday for more work. PSE had updated their restoration time to "11/8, 12:00 am" which led to some texts with a friend over whether that meant Monday night midnight or Tuesday night midnight. We thought (hoped!) Monday midnight. Apparently we were not the only ones confused, because not long after PSE changed the post to "11/8, 11:59 pm." 

At some point, while we were shivering inside with 40 degree weather outside, a friend in New Hampshire posted that he'd enjoyed a 72 degree day in Portsmouth by the water that same day. Somehow I did not anticipate that Whidbey Island would be colder than New Hampshire. Go figure. 

I can report that the bbq works really well for heating pizza that has cooled off on the ferry ride. Crust was wonderfully crispy!

The power came back on Tuesday morning sometime around 1 am. I was very happy to be awakened by my bedroom nightstand lamp coming on. 

So, we are getting back to normal around here. I will need to throw out a lot of stuff from the fridge and freezer that may be unsafe, so that is a project for this afternoon.

Meanwhile, here is my home office this morning. Some days it just feels good to hang out on the bed. Yes, the dogs are right up with me, snoozing happily. Work project is almost almost done - just a final review this morning. 

I'm told by long-time Whidbey Islanders that this storm was the worst in a number of years. Hopefully it will be our last without a generator to keep us functioning. 

Meanwhile, I have a Very Exciting Event to look forward to. After many months without my longarm, Bernina techs are coming a few days before Thanksgiving to get my Q24 set back up and running. I'd had to take it down last December to stage and show my house in Healdsburg (apparently buyers might think a big quilting machine in the primary bedroom is a bit odd) and it has been carefully packed and stored since I've been here. I can hardly wait to get back to longarm quilting again. I know what I'll be doing over Thanksgiving weekend! 

And speaking of Thanksgiving, I'm so grateful to be warm and cozy, living in a beautiful (if stormy) place, with friends who texted and called and kept me cheered. 
 

 

Saturday Meanderings

I have been out and about again today. The day started off with a Zoom get-together with two dear friends, which was absolutely wonderful. Having moved to a whole new corner of the world where I don't know too many people, I treasure these zoom friend dates. They make me feel connected and supported and happy to spend time with wonderful people. 

Then it was off to the recycling center. I'm sure you want to know what it looks like, yes?

  

I had several weeks worth of cardboard and cans and such, so there were a lot of trips to and from the car. There were two adorable little boys whose eyes got very wide with surprise when I accidentally started dumping my aluminum cans into the tin can receptacle. Oh no! Rule breaking! They giggled while I fished out my errant cans. I'm glad I provided surprise entertainment this morning. 

 Then I set off on a back road toward Langley, the village that is nearest to my house. Along the way, I stopped when I came upon a barn quilt decorating a local grange hall. One should always stop to admire a barn quilt, I say. It reminded me that I have not yet found the two barn quilts that I painted a few summers back. They are in the garage in some box somewhere, I know. It will be fun to hang them in the yard when I do finally find them.

 But onward, to Langley. I love Langley. A cute little village, right on Puget Sound. What's not to love?

 

The "downtown" consists of two parallel streets of shops and restaurants. It's tiny but oh so charming. 

 

Heading in, there were big black crows lining the road for a stretch. Excellent Halloween decorations.

And look, fall flower pots accessorized with brooms and pumpkins. Far better than the typical bats and skeletons, to my mind. 

One of my favorite shops in town is the Star Store, a wonderful mercantile with something for everyone. There have home goods, clothing, shoes, cards, a wine area, and even a toy area tucked up stairs.

 

There is also a substantial grocery area, where you can get a sandwich made for you at the deli or various prepared foods to take home. I got a half-sandwich of ham and swiss on rosemary bread to eat later at an appropriate scenic spot. It was delicious. 

From there, I headed on back roads in the direction of Freeland, which is a bit south, along more tree-lined roads.

I enjoyed the Halloween decorations along the way. These guys were just hanging out at one intersection.

Following my GPS map and trying to just stay along the water's edge, I came upon a new-to-me area which appeared to be the Baby Island Homeowners' Association. And look, I think that must be Baby Island.

 

I got out of the car to get closer.  Mainly a rock, with some grass, I think?

Baby Island! That immediately reminded me of a Scholastic paper back book I bought in elementary school that still sits on my bedroom bookshelf - Baby Island by Carol Ryrie Brink, the author of Caddie Woodlawn. Remember TAB books, and how you'd check off your desired purchases on the newsprint sheet, and the books would be delivered right to your desk a few weeks later? This was one of those. 

Does this cover look familiar? This is the exact one I have. I have a vague memory of a story of girls who have to take care of a bunch of babies. Here's the Amazon synopsis:  

"When a ferocious storm hits their ship, young Mary and Jean become stranded on a deserted island. They’re not the only survivors; with them are four babies. Immediately the sisters set out to make the island a home for themselves and the little ones. A classic tale of courage and dedication from a Newbery Medalist author."

I may need to read this tonight. 

But I kept on going, admiring the Baby Island neighborhood.

 

I was enjoying the pretty houses set off the road in big fields.  (Excuse the less-than-ideal photography. I pulled over and snapped this fast.)

Then I'd turn and see water again. Remember, this is an island.

Oh, and I stumbled on ANOTHER dahlia garden. The stand was empty but I jumped out to take a quick photo. It made me so happy to see these flowers.

In Freeland, I ventured into a few stores. I was in search of better recycling bins for the garage, as the small ones I have are simply not very useful, and I need to have four separate sorting bins. (I must keep those tin cans and aluminum cans separate, you know!) The hardware store did not have what I needed. I popped into the "big" grocery store for Sunday dinner items. This chilly fall weather feels like roast chicken weather to me. 

I have saved the best for last. Look what I saw on the bulletin board at the Star Store:

Nancy Pearl will be speaking at the Langley Public Library in November! I love Nancy Pearl! Do you know her? She is a librarian who has written some wonderful books about books. My favorite is "Book Lust: Recommended Reading for Every Mood, Moment and Reason." I think she has made it her mission to introduce readers to older books that, to her, need to be revived. Based on her reviews, Amazon released a series of "Book Lust Rediscoveries." She has even been made into an action figure! I've heard her on NPR from time to times on I did not realize she was from the Seattle Public Library, so her presence here makes sense. But I'm excited and have the event calendared.  

The dogs were watching out the front window when I got home, and they are happy that all the members of their pack are under one roof again.
 

And all of a sudden, it's fall

 

My first fall on Whidbey Island has arrived suddenly. Sure, the weather had been getting a bit cooler, and the fall colors have been appearing with gorgeous brightness. That tree is in my neighbor's yard, so I see it every day from my back deck. It's a lovely burst of autumn color in my daily life. But over the last day or two things have taken a sudden turn. It has gotten rather chilly, and it's been rainy and gray and windy. I love it. I really do.

 

Sunday was a cold, rainy day, so I was in the mood to cook. I made a huge pot of applesauce, a pan of cornbread, and a longtime favorite, Potato Cheese soup.

Back in my college days, my friends and I often left the dining hall when dinner options were especially grim and headed to Marie Callendar's -- you remember, the pie place. They had a great salad bar, and I grew especially fond of their regular Saturday soup: potato cheese. At some point I came across a recipe that reminded me of that soup, and it has become a regular family staple. Ironically, a few years ago I came across a Marie Callendar's, had the potato cheese soup, and found it horribly gloppy and unappealing. Turns out my version is way better. 

Want to give it a try? The base recipe is from a California Culinary Academy "Soups and Stews" cookbook. But I vary it a fair amount, adding a lot more carrots and celery. That's why my soup is actually a beautiful carroty-golden color. I think this would also be good with half potatoes and half butternut squash or even sweet potato. Anyway, here is the recipe.

1/4 cup butter or margarine

1 medium onion, chopped

1 small carrot, chopped

1 stalk celery, with leaves

1 clove garlic, minced or pressed

1/4 tsp each white pepper and white marjoram

4 medium sized smooth potatoes (about 1 1/2 lbs), peeled and cut into cubes or chunks.

3 1/2 cups chicken broth (or 2 14 oz cans)

1 cup milk

1/4 pound cheddar or swiss cheese, shredded (1 cup)

1. In large saucepan over medium heat, melt butter. Add onion, carrot, celery, and garlic, and cook, stirring often, until soft but not browned.

2. Mix in pepper, marjoram, potatoes, and broth. Bring to a boil, cover, reduce heat slightly, and boil gently until potatoes are very tender.

3. Puree soup until smooth. Return to cooking pan.

4. Gradually blend in milk and reheat until steaming hot. Do not boil.

5. Stir in cheese about 1/4 cup at a time, until it is smoothly melted into soup. Taste and add salt if needed. 

Makes about 8 cups.

So, I vary this a lot. I usually use one large onion, a few carrots and a few stalks of celery. I often skip the marjoram. I think I usually use maybe 5 potatoes, depending on what I have on hand. I add enough broth to just cover the potatoes, then simmer away until the potatoes are soft. I puree it in the pan with a hand blender.

I almost always use cheddar cheese, and reserve some to sprinkle on top when it is served. 

I've had good luck freezing this. Also, be aware that it will thicken if it's overnight in the fridge, so dilute with milk when you reheat it to serve. This is a filling soup, it's not light or brothy. It's substantial and the perfect soup for a rainy fall day. 

Let me know what you think if you make it! 

Web Travels

 I have  not been out and about this weekend, as the air quality has been dreadful due to smoke from fires in eastern Washington. So, instead of telling you about the highlights of my island wandering, I am sharing a bit of my online travels.

That picture up there is my new laptop wallpaper, displaying a photo I took a few years ago at Bishop’s Ranch in Healdsburg where I have spent many a happy quilting retreat over the last 15 years. I was sorry to miss the recent retreat but what with family events, it was just not possible. Still, being greeted by this sight each time I boot up my laptop transports me.

I knew the first time I came to Whidbey Island that it was my “soul home.” Have you found yours? This is what a Soul Home is and how it find yours. 

These cute Halloween ghost vases would be fun and quick to make with Dollar Store or thrift store white vases. 

Speaking of autumn decor, I think I need to make one of these felted wool pumpkins. 

I saw this photo of flying geese blocks by Amy Smart a few days ago, and I can’t get it out of my head. I think I might need to make flying geese. Again.

If Hallmark Channel’s movies are part of your holiday season, here is what will be coming up… and the list includes its first LGBTQ holiday romance. 2022 Hallmark holiday movie lineup 

Two podcasters decided to read and talk about every Agatha Christie mystery… An adventure with an unexpected ending. Thanks to Modern Mrs. Darcy for pointing me to this story and podcast. 

Come tell me about your web finds! 

Stay or Go?

 I’m not sure why, but it seems like lately I have a number of friends in the process of deciding whether to end their marriages.  Among these friends, their circumstances are vastly different, but I hear some common themes. Children out of the house, retirement approaching, looking ahead at years alone in an unhappy relationship, thinking about the next phase of life. Some have talked about realizing that certain problematic things are not going to change, or have a sense of just not being willing to put up with some relationship issues any longer, maybe even the realization that the friend is far happier alone.  I have been asked a bunch of times lately some version of “how did you know?” “How did you get the courage?” And “what do I do now?”

Here are the bits of advice I have generally offered: 

1. Consider individual counseling. This is a hard place to be, and you are asking hard questions. Find someone who can help and support you. Even if you have great friends or family, you will want a safe, unbiased place to vent, cry, and explore your feelings.

2. One of the most helpful books I read while I was trying to figure out what to do was a book called, appropriately enough, “Too Good to stay, Too Bad to Leave” by Mira Kirshenbaum. The book has a series of questions… not as a diagnostic quiz, but to hone in on aspects of the relationship that might be clarifying. These were not “if yes, leave, if no, stay” questions or discussions, but a thoughtful exploration of what your answer could mean in terms of trying to move forward together.  I remember reading this question: “In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for a while?” That question gave me a lot to think about because I could not think of one thing. For  quite some time I worked hard at trying to find or develop some common activity or interest to enjoy with my husband.. The results (or lack thereof, really) were revealing. Turned out my ex didn’t want to make time to do anything with me, really.  (But I am happy to report that one of the new activities I tried as a couples thing led to meet a couple whom I now count among my very best best friends. So that was a happy result, if not the one I anticipated.) 

Here’s another example:  Does your partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth all the effort? Or another… “Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?” Thinking about these questions not only helped me realize what I wanted and needed in a relationship, but also helped me finally identify my ex’s alcoholism and recognize that it was a huge obstacle to a decent relationship. 

3.  Have an initial consultation with a lawyer. This is hugely important. You need to know your options and the financial consequences of each one. You do not need to tell your spouse. You may never act on the information you get. This is information gathering while you assess the practical effect of your choices. You need to understand what a separation or divorce will mean in terms of your home, your assets, your retirement, and your children.  Many lawyers will provide an initial consultation for free. If you can afford it, spending a bit of money to get an analysis of how assets would be divided under your state’s law. 

Don’t be afraid to meet with more than one lawyer. You will find that different people have different styles and approaches. (One woman really turned me off by saying that divorce was financially detrimental to wives and it’d be better to take up a common activity like bowling to get the marriage back on track. I was insulted and angry. How patronizing. Did she think I’d be out meeting a lawyer if bowling together would solve the situation? It was clear she was not the lawyer for me.)

And by the way, I’m a lawyer myself but this was terribly scary for me. I remember sitting in my car crying after each meeting. It’s scary. It feels like a huge step off a precipice, even just THINKING about divorce.

4. Make sure you know your finances. Make a list of all (individual and joint) bank accounts, and know how much is in each one. Make copies of the most recent bank statement for each one. Identify all of your debts and credit cards (individual and joint) and again, make copies of the most recent statements. Identify your retirement accounts and balances. And make copies of your last few income tax returns. Know how much is owed on your house, cars, or any other big assets. 

This may feel unnecessary. IT IS NOT.  It will help you (and a lawyer) assess your financial position and sort out what your situation would be if you separated or divorced. 

And here is an important thing: you never know what your spouse might do if the subject of dividing assets comes up. I never ever in a million years thought that my husband would try to move or hide money… and it turned out I was wrong. My records and advance planning helped sort things out. 

Again, this is HARD. I remember standing at a UPS store xeroxing old tax returns and trying to wipe tears away as unobtrusively as possible, and then having to go home and retreat to bed for the rest of the day. It’s big and emotional to even think about this. 

5. Choose a very trustworthy friend or two to talk to about this stuff. You will need support and laughter and someone to take you drinking or shopping or walking when you need a distraction. 

So those are my bits of advice. There are lots of of lists online that provide more things to think about.

I recently got together with a friend who talked at length about certain difficult issues in her marriage, and how long she has struggled with them. As I listened, I felt sad for her, as it sounded like her living situation was really unpleasant and stressful and filled with drama. It made me appreciate how grateful I am that my life is peaceful and happy and I do not walk on eggshells in my own home. I’m sure there are people who explore this stay-or-go question and come out happily on the stay side, as well. 

Maybe that is the last bit of advice to keep in mind. There WILL be an “after,” and you will get through to the other side, whatever that other side is. It’s easy to forget that. 

Have you been separated or divorced? What other advice would you give, or what lessons did you learn?