Stay or Go?

 I’m not sure why, but it seems like lately I have a number of friends in the process of deciding whether to end their marriages.  Among these friends, their circumstances are vastly different, but I hear some common themes. Children out of the house, retirement approaching, looking ahead at years alone in an unhappy relationship, thinking about the next phase of life. Some have talked about realizing that certain problematic things are not going to change, or have a sense of just not being willing to put up with some relationship issues any longer, maybe even the realization that the friend is far happier alone.  I have been asked a bunch of times lately some version of “how did you know?” “How did you get the courage?” And “what do I do now?”

Here are the bits of advice I have generally offered: 

1. Consider individual counseling. This is a hard place to be, and you are asking hard questions. Find someone who can help and support you. Even if you have great friends or family, you will want a safe, unbiased place to vent, cry, and explore your feelings.

2. One of the most helpful books I read while I was trying to figure out what to do was a book called, appropriately enough, “Too Good to stay, Too Bad to Leave” by Mira Kirshenbaum. The book has a series of questions… not as a diagnostic quiz, but to hone in on aspects of the relationship that might be clarifying. These were not “if yes, leave, if no, stay” questions or discussions, but a thoughtful exploration of what your answer could mean in terms of trying to move forward together.  I remember reading this question: “In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for a while?” That question gave me a lot to think about because I could not think of one thing. For  quite some time I worked hard at trying to find or develop some common activity or interest to enjoy with my husband.. The results (or lack thereof, really) were revealing. Turned out my ex didn’t want to make time to do anything with me, really.  (But I am happy to report that one of the new activities I tried as a couples thing led to meet a couple whom I now count among my very best best friends. So that was a happy result, if not the one I anticipated.) 

Here’s another example:  Does your partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth all the effort? Or another… “Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?” Thinking about these questions not only helped me realize what I wanted and needed in a relationship, but also helped me finally identify my ex’s alcoholism and recognize that it was a huge obstacle to a decent relationship. 

3.  Have an initial consultation with a lawyer. This is hugely important. You need to know your options and the financial consequences of each one. You do not need to tell your spouse. You may never act on the information you get. This is information gathering while you assess the practical effect of your choices. You need to understand what a separation or divorce will mean in terms of your home, your assets, your retirement, and your children.  Many lawyers will provide an initial consultation for free. If you can afford it, spending a bit of money to get an analysis of how assets would be divided under your state’s law. 

Don’t be afraid to meet with more than one lawyer. You will find that different people have different styles and approaches. (One woman really turned me off by saying that divorce was financially detrimental to wives and it’d be better to take up a common activity like bowling to get the marriage back on track. I was insulted and angry. How patronizing. Did she think I’d be out meeting a lawyer if bowling together would solve the situation? It was clear she was not the lawyer for me.)

And by the way, I’m a lawyer myself but this was terribly scary for me. I remember sitting in my car crying after each meeting. It’s scary. It feels like a huge step off a precipice, even just THINKING about divorce.

4. Make sure you know your finances. Make a list of all (individual and joint) bank accounts, and know how much is in each one. Make copies of the most recent bank statement for each one. Identify all of your debts and credit cards (individual and joint) and again, make copies of the most recent statements. Identify your retirement accounts and balances. And make copies of your last few income tax returns. Know how much is owed on your house, cars, or any other big assets. 

This may feel unnecessary. IT IS NOT.  It will help you (and a lawyer) assess your financial position and sort out what your situation would be if you separated or divorced. 

And here is an important thing: you never know what your spouse might do if the subject of dividing assets comes up. I never ever in a million years thought that my husband would try to move or hide money… and it turned out I was wrong. My records and advance planning helped sort things out. 

Again, this is HARD. I remember standing at a UPS store xeroxing old tax returns and trying to wipe tears away as unobtrusively as possible, and then having to go home and retreat to bed for the rest of the day. It’s big and emotional to even think about this. 

5. Choose a very trustworthy friend or two to talk to about this stuff. You will need support and laughter and someone to take you drinking or shopping or walking when you need a distraction. 

So those are my bits of advice. There are lots of of lists online that provide more things to think about.

I recently got together with a friend who talked at length about certain difficult issues in her marriage, and how long she has struggled with them. As I listened, I felt sad for her, as it sounded like her living situation was really unpleasant and stressful and filled with drama. It made me appreciate how grateful I am that my life is peaceful and happy and I do not walk on eggshells in my own home. I’m sure there are people who explore this stay-or-go question and come out happily on the stay side, as well. 

Maybe that is the last bit of advice to keep in mind. There WILL be an “after,” and you will get through to the other side, whatever that other side is. It’s easy to forget that. 

Have you been separated or divorced? What other advice would you give, or what lessons did you learn?