Are You Okay?

 I recently watched the Netflix documentary series "Harry and Meghan," which I really enjoyed. I understand that there has been a fair amount of controversy about their making that series. But I can appreciate how they would want to tell their own story, after the press has so relentlessly reported false or twisted stories. 

One thing that struck me is this: in one episode, Meghan talks about how, at an emotional low point, someone -- not a friend, but someone in a rather remote, professional role -- asks her, "Are you okay?" And Meghan reflects briefly on the power of that question, how meaningfully it created a connection, how for that moment it felt like someone saw her and cared about her, and how important it is for all of us to check in with the people around us in our lives to see if they are okay.

That flashed me back to a recent remarkable experience. 

A few weeks back, I went to a Social Security office to get various official documents sorted with my new address. Part of that process inevitably involves the official record history that my name went from Perin to my married name and then back to Perin. So I've learned that for any of these official sorts of things, I bring along a file with the relevant official documents -- birth certificate, voter registration card, court divorce order with authorization to resume use of maiden name, etc. (By the way, isn't it utterly ridiculous that you have to get an actual court order to resume using the name you were born with?)

So there I was, sitting in a cubicle with a plastic window between me and the Social Security guy as he flipped through the documents I'd handed over. "Oh," he said, "a divorce order." He looked up. "How long were you married?" "20 years," I replied. And he paused, then said, sincerely, "Are you okay? How are you doing?" 

It stopped me in my tracks. In all the times I've presented this information to get various official things done, no one has ever acknowledged that divorce is strange and painful. His taking a moment to acknowledge that and ask me if I was okay was such a powerful, thoughtful moment. 

I assured him that I was totally fine, and that it was long past, actually. 

But I thanked him for asking. And as he continued to sort through paper, I mentioned that no one had ever asked me that before, and how very important it felt to me that he asked.  

It has stayed in my mind, how unusual and good it felt to have someone I didn't know recognize that something significant had happened, and ask me if I was okay. And it's made me think about how we go through our days and weeks, and years, even, interacting with a lot of people but not really seeing them, not acknowledging things we might recognize are happening to them. We are polite. We don't want to be intrusive or inappropriate, and we're often all so busy. 

But gosh, if we have a clue that something difficult might be going on for someone, just asking "Are you okay?" might be a real gift.